Sardarji jokes, really foolish

Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Keep it Up
Banta Singh : Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer: ........!!!!!!!

*****

Santa: What is another difference between a mosquito and a fly?
Banta: A fly can fly but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

***

Banta: When did George Washington die?
Santa: two days before his funeral.

***

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the funeral are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it's a marriage baarat. So one of
them asks Jugnu Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sagewala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?"...comes the reply, "Haan ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai

***

Passerby watched two sardarjis in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. Tell me,' said the passerby, 'What on earth are you doing?' Well,' said the digger, 'Usually there are
three of us. I dig the hole, Balwant plants the tree saplings and Gurpreet fills in the hole. Today Balwant is ill, but that doesn't mean Gurpreet and I get the day off, does it?

***

Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago. "Where is my free gift?" he shouted at the shopkeeper. "But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter." The shopkeeper answered politely. "Don't fool me," replied Banta, "it is clearly written on the packet of the butter 'Cholesterol free'".

***

Sardarji: Nurse, I am very eager to know my blood group.
Nurse: B positive

Sardarji: please tell me soon ....

Nurse: B positive
Sardarji: Madam, I am positive, but eager to know the group of my blood.

***

A Sardarji bought a new car. Next day he is driving his car to office.
On the way he was waiting for the Signal. Suddenly he opened the door and got down. Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, 'How much should I pay to turn right?' The Policeman was astonished and asked, 'Why are you asking like this?' Then Sardarji showed him the sign board which was in the corner of the road: 'Free Left Turn'

Delhi mein meri trip

Ek din, main Delhi pahuncha,

Station pe ek coolie se bahar jane ka rasta pooncha.

Coolie ne kaha: "Bahar jaake poocho."

 

Maine khud hi rasta dhundh liya,

Bahar jaake taxiwale se pooncha:

"Bhai saab Lal Kile ka kitna loge?"

Jawab mila: "Bechna nahi hai."

 

Taxi chod, maine bus pakad li, Conductor se pooncha: "Ji, kya mein cigarette pi sakta hoon?"

Wo gurrra kar bola: "Hargiz nahi, yaha cigarette pina mana hai."

Maine kaha: "Par wo janab to pi rahe hai!"

Phir se gurrrraya: "Usne mujhse pooncha nahi hai."

 

Lal Kile pahucha, hotel gaya.

Manager se kaha: "Mujhe room chahiye, satvi manzil pe."

Manager ne kaha: "Rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?"

Room pahucha, waiter se kaha: "Ek paani ka gilas milega?"

Usne jawab diya: "Nahi sahab, yahan to saare kanch ke milte hain."

 

Hotel se nikla, dost ke ghar jaane ke liye,

Raste me ek sahab se pooncha: "Janab, ye sadak kaha ko jaati hai?"

Janab hans kar bole: "Peechle bees saal se dekh rahan hoon,

Yahi padi hai... kahin nahin jaati."

 

Dost ke ghar pahucha, to mujhe dekhte hi chownk

pada, Usne poocha: "Kaise aana hua?"

Ab tak to mujhe bhi aadat pad gayi thi,

Maine bhi jawab diya: "Train se."

 

Meri aaobhagat karne ke liye dost ne apni biwi se

kaha: "Areeee sunti ho... mera dost pehli baar ghar aaya

hai, Uuse kuch taja taja khilao."

Sunte hi bhabhiji ne ghar ki sari khidkiya aur darwaje khol diye.

Kaha: "Taji hawa kha lijiye."

 

Dost ne phir se baday pyar se biwi se kaha:

"Areeee sunti ho, inhe jara apna chalis saal purana

aachar to dikhana."

Bhabiji ek baatli me rakha aachar le aayi. Maine bhi apnapan dikhate hue bhabiji se kaha:

"Bhabhiji, aachar sirf dikhayengi, chakhayengi nahi?"

Bhabiji ne taak jawab diya: "Yuhi agar sab ko chakhati

To aachar chalis saal purana kaise hota?"

 

Thodi der baad dekha, bhabiji apne potey ko sula rah thi,

Saath me lori bhi ga rahi thi:

"Diploma so ja, diploma so ja."

Lori soon mein hairan hua aur dost se poocha:

"Yaar, ye diploma kya hai?"

Dost ne jawab diya: "Mere grandson ka naam,

Beti bambai gayi thi, diploma lene ke liye

Aur saath mein ise le aayi,

Isiliye hamne iska naam Diploma rakh diya."

Phir maine pooncha: "Aajkal tumhari beti kya kar rahi hai?"

Dost ne jawab diya: "Bambai gayi hai, degree lene ke liye

Interview (Funny)

OFFICER: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER: TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE: MOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER: YOUR FATHER'S NAME?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR

OFFICER: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
CANDIDATE: MANMOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER: YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR

OFFICER: IS IT MADHYA PRADESH?
CANDIDATE: NO, MANI PAL SIR

OFFICER: WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR

OFFICER: (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT?
CANDIDATE: METRIC PASS

OFFICER: WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR

OFFICER: AND WHAT DOSE THAT MEANS?
CANDIDATE: MONEY PROBLEM SIR

OFFICER: DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR

OFFICER: EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE: MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR

OFFICER: THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU
MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER: WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE...

 

OFFICER: M P!!!!
CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR

OFFICER: M E N T A L L Y P U N C T U R E D

Only for Tamil knowing friends

I AM AUTOFELLOW

I am autofellow autofellow
Four knowing route fellow
Justice having rate fellow
Good people mix fellow
Nice singing song fellow
Gandhi borning country fellow
Stick take means hunter fellow
Big people's relation fellow
Mercy having mind fellow da
I am all poor's relative fellow da
I am always poor people's relative fellow da
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only

Town become big, population become big
Bus expecting, half age over
Life become hectic in time, exist in corner of street
Ada eye beat means love coming they telling
You hand clap means auto coming I telling
Front coming look, this three-wheel chariot
Good come and arrive, you trust and climb up
Mercy having mind fellow da
I am always poor people's relative fellow da
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only; Gumuk means gumuk only

Mummy motherfolk, danger not leave
Heat or cyclone, never I never tell
There there hunger take means, many savoury
Measurement food is one time
For pregnancy I come free mummy
Your child also name one I keep mummy
Letter lacking person ada trusting us and coming
Address lacking street ada auto fellow knowing
Achak means achak only ; Gumuk means gumuk only
Achak means achak only ; Gumuk means gumuk only

How is it

Enjoy the lateral thinking

 

DIFFICULT QUESTIONS AND INTELLIGENT ANSWERS![U]

  Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lif t an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Lunch and Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

Real Sardar Jokes

EK DIN EK DAKU EK SARDAR KE GHAR MEIN GHUS GAYA AUR BOLA SONA KAHAN HAI?
SARDAR BOLA ULLU KE PATTHE PURA GHAR KHALI HAI KAHIN BHI SOJA..

***

AN ASTRONOMER WAS WATCHING THE SKY FROM TELESCOPE. A SARDAR WAS OBSERVING HIM. SUDDENLY A STAR FALLS. AFTER SEEING THAT SARDAR SAYS WAH KYA NISHANA HAI.

***

SARDARJI'S SON : OYE PAPAJI.... BAHAR DARWAJE PAR KOI SWIMING POOL KE LIYE DONATION MANG RAHA HAI....
SARDAR : PUTTAR , USKO EK LOTA PAANI DE DE...

***

BAAP BETE SE: TUMHE KAISI BIWI CHAHIYE?
BETA:MUJHE CHAND JAISI BIWI CHAHIYE, JO RAAT KO AAYE AUR SUBHA CHALI JAYE.

***

IN A SARDARS GARMENT STORE 1 DAY A CUSTOMER COMES IN & SAYS " BHAISAAB UNDERWEAR DIKHANA ZARA"
SARDAR - OYE SORRY YAAR-AAJ PEHNA NAHI..

***

SARDAR YAAR YE MURGI KE BACHE ANDE TODKAR BAHR KAISE AA JATE HAI?
2ND SARDAR : OYE PEHLE MANU YE BATA YE BAND ANDE ME GHUS KAISE JATE HAI.

***

SARDAR NE BIWI SEY POOCHA : AAJ THO CHICKEN BAHUTH TASTY HAI..KUCH KHAS MASALA LAGAYA KYA?
BIWI : KUCH NAHI THODI SI JAL G AYEE THI... ISLIYE BARNOL CREAM LAGAYA

7 Reasons why not to mess up with children

• A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow ahuman because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow ahuman; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

• A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children whilethey were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked whatthe drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girlreplied, "They will in a minute."

• A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with herfive and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat ourbrothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

• One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishesat the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had severalstrands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of yourhairs white, Mom?"Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong andmake me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

• The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown upand say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's adoctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's theteacher, she's dead."

• A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.""Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

• The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementaryschool for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Know Your VALUE

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a Rupee 500 note. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this Rupee 500 note?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this note to one of you but first let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the note up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth Rupee 500/-.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special. Don't ever forget it! Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams.

"VALUE HAS A VALUE ONLY IF ITS VALUE IS VALUED BY YOU"

The Real Gift

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautifulsports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing hisfather could well afford it, he told him that was allhe wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young manawaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely,leather-bound Bible. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come homeimmediately and take care things. When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

Doctors vs Engineers

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So they both gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :

7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet So when TC knocks , one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes away....

* * *

NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :

Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket. Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!.. TC arrives....ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET. ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE .. One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One Hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg. Bathroom...TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined

* * *

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA) : SO now both the group are on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune. This time doctors decide that they will play the same( 1 ticket) trick. ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets..... Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train...........

Thathuvam 2

1. Paaku marathula paaku irukum, Theaku marathula thaeku irukum, Aana pana marathula panam irukaadhu..!!!!!

2. Saturday to Sunday-> oru naal, Aana Sunday to Saturday ->??!!!!!!!!!

3. Cycle la poana cycling, Train la poana training-a?

4. Puli padhunguvadhu paai vadharkey. Full meals sappiduvadhu saai vadharkey..!!!!!!

5. ELLA 'NEW YEAR'um ONNANTHETHIYIL THAAN VARUM AANA ELLAONNANTHEDIYUM'NEW YEAR'AAGUMA????????????!!!!!!!

6. Ennadhan aeroplane mela parandhaalum... Petrol poda keelathaanvaranum.

7. mechanical engineer mechanic aagalam aana software engineersoftwareaaga mudiyadhu......

8. kosu kadicha tortoise aethivakkalam aana tortoise kadicha kosuaethivakka mudiyumaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Evvaloo kaasu kuduthu planela poolaanum, Jannala tharanthuvedikkaapaakka mudiyaathu

10. Key boardla key irrukkum Anna Mother boardla mother irrukkuma

11. brush vachi pallu clean pannalam............... ana palla vachi brushclean panna mudiyuma??????????

12. Pant Pottu Muttipoda mudiyum aanaaa muttipottu pant podamudiyumaa...........

13. Fan-ukkum rekkai irukku. Paravai-kkum rekkai irukku. Fan-ala parakka mudiyaathu. Paravai-ala sutha mudiyaathu. Aaanaa... Fan-a amukinasuthum.Paravai-a amukina kathum...

14. Irukkurappa enna daan complan, bournvita kudichalum sethadukkapramellarukkum pal daan...

15. South India-la Narthangai kidaikkum. Aaana, North India-laSouthangai kidaikuma?!

16. nee evlo periya paruppa irunthalum, unga veettu samayalukku paruppukadaila than vanganum....

17. kovil maniya namma adicha saththam varum... aana kovil mani nammala adicha raththam than varum....

Thathuvam

MANDAIYA POTTA "DIE"MANDAILA POTTA "DYE"

Vaazhkai Thaththuvam:*Nee evalo periya dancer aa irundhaalum Un saavukku unnaala aada mudiyuma???

Today's Punch:*Panam Varum Pogum! Padhavi Varum Pogum!Kavalai Varum Pogum!Kaadhal Varum Pogum!Aana AIDS varum... pogathu!!!

Adayar Anandha Bhavanoda Branch Niraya idathula irukkum Ana Adayar Ala marathoda Branch Adayar la mattum than.

Poison 10 naal aana payasam aaha mudiyathu But, Payasam 10 naal aana poison aahidum

Caru kulla tyre inrunthaa adhu stephney, adey Nambha meela antha tyre erinaa, nambha chutney !!!

Ulla pora varaikkum than brandy, Veliya vantha athukku paer vaandy

Thannambikkai-kum thalaiganathukkum oru nool allavu thaan vithiyaasam... ennnala full adichittu steadya nikka mudiyumnu solrathu thannambikkai - ennnala mattum thaan full adichittu steadyaaa nikka mudiyummnu solrathu thalaiganam

Cellulla balance illana call panna mudiyadhu, anna manushannuku call illana balance panna mudiyumma

Train evlo vegama ponalum, kadaisi petty kadaisiyadhan pogum..."

Bus poita bus stand angayae thaan irukum aana cycle poita cycle stand koodavae poogum.

Vaayala "naai" nu Solla mudiyum aana...Naayaala "Vaai" nu solla mudiyuma ???

"FILES NA OKKANTHU PARKANUM AANA PILES NA PARTHU OKKARANUM"

HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Computer Tech. Support Calls

These "silly tech support calls " have been around in e-mails and online since the dawn of tech support.

They are always fun to read. I'm in the mood for a good laugh. How 'bout you?

**********
Customer : Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer : Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer : No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

**********
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
**********
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

**********
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

**********
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer : Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
**********
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.
*********
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer : I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

**********
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

**********

And last but not least...


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

MBA vs B.Com

MBA vs B.Com Student

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in acompetition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

An MBA and a B.com go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and fell asleep.Some hours later, the B.com wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and tell me what you see." The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" The MBA ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets".

"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three".

"Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful andwe are small and insignificant". "Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow".

What does it tell you?"

The B.com is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Sardarji jokes

Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth
Friend: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower berth.

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
Again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth. WHY?
Because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking..

A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have a Air cell phone but still hutch network is following me .

Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U this Packet
Sardar: why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it

Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1year older to you'
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you NEXT YEAR.

WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT EMERGENCY?
THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide, you have 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply NEXT YEAR

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?> Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-I am seeing how i look while sleeping.

Bad Habits

A man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept onpestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a packof cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again.He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone". As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you". The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like."

Be Indian

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move. "You know," says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?". "OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea.So tell me," .Says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

JOKE

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale." Being that thePastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, andwent into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse.If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk.

However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside. Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path.Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff. The Pastor cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and creamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that heraised his hands to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Definition of GLOBALIZATION

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by Indian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistan lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friend, is GLOBALIZATION

PERSONALITY TEST

The Dalai Lama said read it to see if it works for you. Very interesting. Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you. Do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. Do not cheat.

MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!!

A Warning! Answer the questions as you go along. There are only four questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results. Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down. Don't look ahead.

Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an answer for each item.

QUESTION 1 : Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference. Cow Tiger Sheep Horse Pig

QUESTION 2 : Write one word that describes each one of the following: Dog Cat Rat Coffee Sea

QUESTION 3 : Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can relate them to the following colours (do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each colour.) Yellow Orange Red White Green

QUESTION 4 : Finally, write down your favourite number and your favourite day of the week.

Finished?

Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.

Look at the interpretations below: (but first before continuing, repeat your wish.) This will define your priorities in your life.

Cow Signifies CAREER
Tiger Signifies PRIDE
Sheep Signifies LOVE
Horse Signifies FAMILY
Pig Signifies MONEY

Your description of dog implies your own personality.
Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner.
Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.
Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex.
Your description of the sea implies your own life.

Yellow: Someone you will never forget
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
Red: Someone that you really love
White: Your twin soul Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

OLD MEMORIES - 2

OLD MEMORIES

Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam's Speech

The President of India DR. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam's Speech in Hyderabad.

Why is the media here so negative?
Why are we in India so embarrassed to recognize our own strengths, our achievements?
We are such a great nation.
We have so many amazing success stories but we refuse to acknowledge them. Why?
We are the first in milk production.
We are number one in Remote sensing satellites.
We are the second largest producer of wheat.
We are the second largest producer of rice.

Look at Dr. Sudarshan, he has transferred the tribal village into a self-sustaining, self-driving unit. There are millions of such achievements but our media is only obsessed in the bad news and failures and disasters.

I was in Tel Aviv once and I was reading the Israeli newspaper. It was the day after a lot of attacks and bombardments and deaths had taken place. The Hamas had struck. But the front page of the newspaper had the picture of a Jewish gentleman who in five years had transformed his desert into an orchid and a granary. It was this inspiring picture that everyone woke up to.

The gory details of killings, bombardments, deaths, were inside in the newspaper, buried among other news.In India we only read about death, sickness, terrorism, crime. Why are we so NEGATIVE? Another question: Why are we, as a nation so obsessed with foreign things? We want foreign T. Vs, we want foreign shirts. We want foreign technology. Why this obsession with everything imported. Do we not realize that self-respect comes with self-reliance?

I was in Hyderabad giving this lecture, when a 14 year old girl asked me for my autograph. I asked her what her goal in life is. She replied: I want to live in a developed India. For her, you and I will have to build this developed India. You must proclaim. India is not an under-developed nation; it is a highly developed nation.

Do you have 10 minutes? Allow me to come back with a vengeance. Got 10 minutes for your country? If yes, then read; otherwise, choice is yours.YOU say that our government is inefficient. YOU say that our laws are too old. YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage. YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke,The airline is the worst in the world, mails never reach their destination.YOU say that our country has been fed to the dogs and is the absolute pits. YOU say, say and say. What do YOU do about it?Take a person on his way to Singapore. Give him a name - YOURS. Give him a face - YOURS. YOU walk out of the airport and you are at your Internationalbest. In Singapore you don't throw cigarette butts on the roads or eat in the stores. YOU are as proud of their Underground links as they are. You pay $5 (approx. Rs. 60) to drive through Orchard Road (equivalent of Mahim Causeway or Pedder Road) between 5 PM and 8 PM. YOU come back to theparking lot to punch your parking ticket if you have over stayed in a restaurant or a shopping mall irrespective of your status identity... In Singapore you don't say anything, DO YOU? YOU wouldn't dare to eat in public during Ramjan, in Dubai. YOU would not dare to go out without yourhead covered in Jeddah. YOU would not dare to buy an employee of the telephone exchange in London at 10 pounds ( Rs.650) a month to, 'see to itthat my STD and ISD calls are billed to someone else.'YOU would not dare to speed beyond 55 mph (88 km/h) in Washington and then tell the traffic cop,'Jaanta hai main kaun hoon (Do you know who I am?). I am so and so's son. Take your two bucks and get lost.' YOU wouldn't chuck an empty coconut shell anywhere other than the garbage pail on the beaches in Australia andNew Zealand.Why don't YOU spit Paan on the streets of Tokyo? Why don't YOU use examination jockeys or buy fake certificates in Boston??? We are still talking of the same YOU. YOU who can respect and conform to a foreign system in other countries but cannot in your own. You who will throw papersand cigarettes on the road the moment you touch Indian ground. If you can be an involved and appreciative citizen in an alien country, why cannot you be the same here in India?Once in an interview, the famous Ex-municipal commissioner of Bombay, Mr. Tinaikar, had a point to make. 'Rich people's dogs are walked on thestreets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place,' he said. 'And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements. What do they expect the officers to do? Go down with a broom every time their dog feels thepressure in his bowels?In America every dog owner has to clean up after his pet has done the job. Same in Japan. Will the Indian citizen do that here?' He's right. We go to the polls to choose a government and after that forfeit all responsibility. We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to doeverything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative.

We expect the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage all over the place nor are we going to stop to pick a up a stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin. We expect the railways to provide cleanbathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms. We want Indian Airlines and Air India to provide the best of food and toiletries but we are not going to stop pilfering at the least opportunity.This applies even to the staff who is known not to pass on the service to the public. When it comes to burning social issues like those related to women, dowry, girl child! and others, we make loud drawing room protestations and continue to do the reverse at home. Our excuse? 'It's thewhole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my sons' rights to a dowry.' So who's going to change the system? What does a system consist of ? Very conveniently for us it consists of our neighbours, other households, other cities, other communities and thegovernment. But definitely not me and YOU. When it comes to us actually making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far away and wait for a Mr.Clean to come along & work miracles for us with amajestic sweep of his hand or we leave the country and run away. Like lazy cowards hounded by our fears we run to America to bask in their glory and praise their system. When New York becomes insecure we run toEngland. When England experiences unemployment, we take the next flight out to the Gulf. When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought home by the Indian government. Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country.

Nobody thinks of feeding the system. Our conscience ismortgaged to money.

Dear Indians, The article is highly thought inductive, calls for a great deal of introspection and pricks one's conscience too.... I am echoing J. F. Kennedy's words to his fellow Americans to relate to Indians.....'ASK WHAT WE CAN DO FOR INDIAAND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO MAKE INDIAWHAT AMERICA AND OTHER WESTERN COUNTRIES ARE TODAY' Lets do what India needs from us.

Dr. Abdul Kalaam (PRESIDENT OF INDIA)

A Dissappointed Salesman

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting.

Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend.The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Sardarji Jokes

Well dressed man was having a dinner in "Kake Da Hotel". After he finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands with table and chair. The owner saw him and got real angry and asked, "Have you had dinner in some nice hotel before?" Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel." Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and chair?" Man: "Yes, I did." Owner: "Nobody told you anything!" Man: "They kicked me and said 'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da Hotel mae jake khana khaa'


Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" (What Happened, My Son?) The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!)

NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine. However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem. Finally, there was an Sardar who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything. "Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway. "Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said. The engineers did. "Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space! Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied - "It is very simple. This is what we always do with our Bajaj scooters in India".

Sardarji Jokes

Sardarji went to US to live with his brother. Sardarji's Brother owns an apple shop in US.

One day he asked his brother to stay at the shop because he had to go somewhere.

He asked his brother if somebody comes to shop and ask for the apple's price, tell them $2 a pound.

If somebody questions whether these apples are sweet or sour, tell them some are sweet and some are not.

If some body says I do not want to buy, tell them somebody else will buy.

Now the sardarji was ready to sell the apples. A lady comes and asks sardarji, Do you know what time it is ? Sardarji replied $2 a pound.

Lady said; all sardarji's are idiot and fools. Sardarji replied, some are some are not. Lady got frustrated and said, I will take you to police station. Sardarji replied, if you will not take me some body else will take.

SOME CUTE JOKES

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO ! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!

TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of " COINCIDENCE?"
PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
PAPPU: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to , my mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as yourbrother's. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog !

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher

Second Richest Man in the World - Warren Buffet

There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the second richest man who has donated $31 billion (85% of his fortune) to charity.

Here are some very interesting aspects of his life:

1) He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started too late!

2) He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering newspapers.

3) He still lives in the same small 3 bedroom house in mid-town Omaha ; that he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he has everything he needs in that house. His house does not have a wall or a fence.

4) He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security people around him.

5) He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largest private jet company.

6) His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He writes only one letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals for the year. He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis.

7) He has given his CEO's only two rules.Rule number 1: Do not lose any of your share holder's money.Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1.

8) He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His past time after he gets home is to make himself some pop corn and watch television.

9) Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the first time only 5 years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with Warren Buffet. So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gates became a devotee of Warren Buffet.

10) Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on his desk.

11) His advice to young people: Stay away from credit cards and invest in yourself.

BE A MODEST PERSON!!!

Some Funny Lines

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


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SHOPPING MATH


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


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HAPPINESS


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


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LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'' The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. ''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. '' She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. ''Sh*t'' said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. ...